The Mommy In Me

virtual therapy

2006-09-04T06:45:00.000-07:00

I think I need to start blogging on a regular basis. I used to belong to a few message boards online and I swear they were like therapy. I got out all my frustration, laughed a lot...and got through my day. Now, I don't have much time to myself...with Tommy being 2 1/2 and Tara turning one this month. I think I need to start making 30 minutes of ME time.

2005-06-23T13:50:00.000-07:00

Work has been really busy this week but I feel like I've gotten a lot done. We've been really short staffed so it's hard to keep caught up on my own stuff.

Oh the things that upset some customers. I just had a person get all pissed off at me and leave because our bathroom isn't marked public. I told him I'd take him back there, but that wasn't good enough for him. Hello? Calm the hell down...sheesh...

Now, the people that own the house we are renting are selling it. This puts us in a mad rush to save the money for a few place and get ready to move...again. I'm so sick of moving. I can't wait to buy our own house and just LIVE THERE. I want to live in one place for 5 years!

Tara

2005-06-13T07:34:00.000-07:00

So far so good in the pregnancy. I'm sure the doctor is going to be mean to me for gaining too much weight. I'm 25 weeks and I've already gained about 17 pounds. He can bite me. I don't frigging have time to make myself a balanced healthy meal while I'm chasing the biting, hitting, screaming monster fromt my previous blog entry.

Today, I'm very short of breath so I'm hoping she'll move a little bit and give me some room to breathe.

Tommy

2005-06-13T07:31:00.000-07:00

Where did my sweet little boy go? Wherever he went he left me with a kicking, screaming, pinching, hitting little monster. So, now I have nothing but to think the terrible two's actually go from 13 months to 3 years old. Oh lord....I'm not going to make it. He's SO fun when he's playing and laughing and hugging. Then, he demands that you get him the picture frame off the wall and when that doesn't happen, all hell breaks loose. He throws a tantrum. Usually, his lovely tantrum involves screaming NO (alot) and either slapping the ground or me. Lately, it's been me. I'd like to say it doesn't hurt my feelings, but it really does. Parenting....

Damn Blog!

2005-06-09T11:30:00.000-07:00

ok, so I'm not computer literate. Can I send emails? Yup. Can I surf the net? Sure can. Can I redo the template on my blog? Nooooooooo. I've got this thing all jacked up and don't have the slightest idea how to fix it. If you are one of the unfortunate ones I send this link to read my blog, I'm sorry. I have some blogging masterminds working with me to fix it.

Tara

2005-06-02T20:02:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm 22 weeks along now and feeling better than I have throughout the whole pregnancy I think. Too bad it's so late in my second trimester...then I get the awful dreaded third trimester. Tommy has a new fun game he's trying out. It's pinching my belly and nipples. Oh yes...great fun. Anyway...here's the 5 month pregnant belly.

Holiday weekend

2005-05-29T09:03:00.000-07:00

I got to spend some fun quality time with Tommy yesterday. We went to a park with a water play area and he had a BLAST. I, of course, wouldn't be more than 3 feet away from him so I ended up soaking wet with him. I didn't care one bit. He was smiling and laughing...running around with kids 3 times his size...it was so dang cute. I think I need to make it a point to get to the park with him every weekend. We both love it.

Today we both have allergies and it is a little more of a rough day. Poor kid is going to have a very sore nose since it's running nonstop. No kidding! The second I wipe it, it's snotty again. Ew. We have an afternoon bbq and a dinner to go to....this could be rough. Wish us luck!

Monday blues

2005-05-23T07:44:00.000-07:00

I think I have a case of the Mondays today. I don't want to be in a pissy mood....but it looks like that's all I have. Jodi (the babysitter) called last night and she has the flu. It's actually something that has been going around so I don't doubt it. Steve took Tommy to school with him. I know he'll be fine, he LOVES being with his daddy...but I'd just rather have him at home when he has an ear infection, ya know?

I couldn't call in to work to take care of my son. I just feel like a bad mom, again....it's always a war between work vs. mothering. Mothering should ALWAYS win out and I feel like I'm doing a bad job at that.

blah....that's today's theme. blah...

Tommy and the dreaded ear infection

2005-05-22T11:54:00.000-07:00

Well, just got home from a lovely trip to urgent care. Tommy has another double ear infection....poor kid. The doctor was great though. He said the Rx the other dr has been prescribing is "junk". He gave us different kind...hopefully this one can knock this damned ear infection out FOR GOOD. I hate him being in pain like this.

The waiting room was interesting. I was torn between watching the woman in the wheelchair crying (but she walked fine) and the transvestite. Interesting city to live in I guess. Interesting/scary as hell...you take your pick.

So it looks like after all that stressing about going to dinner with Steve's ex again was for nothing. The only part that sucks is that I was REALLY looking forward to going to dinner at that steakhouse. I haven't had the chance to go to Lawry's yet but everyone says how good it is. Damned pregnancy cravings had thier mind set on it too....sigh.

Tara

2005-05-21T12:29:00.000-07:00

This pregnancy is a pain in my butt. Literally. My tailbone is getting to be more and more of an issue. I can only hope this is as bad as it's going to be. (yeah right)

I've gained 10 pounds so far and my doctor was NOT happy about it. I'm almost 21 weeks and I didn't think I was doing that bad! It's not the total he was upset about. It's that I gained 7 pounds of it in one month. I gained 12 in one month with Tommy and then two months later gained another 9 in one month. I don't think I'm doing that bad. I'm not going to let it bother me too much. I'm going to TRY to not let it bother me. you all know how the weight issue is...it's always bothersome.

I can feel her kick more now. I'm still trying to get my mind to wrap around the fact that it's a girl. I'm still halfway in denial. I'm so used to being in "boy mode" that it's hard for me to look at pink stuff. It's not that I'm not completely THRILLED that it's a girl, I'm just not used to it :)

Sex is getting a little painful. I don't quite know what to think of that but it's kindof irritating. Oh well....5 months and I'll never be pregnant again. Never....that's actually kindof sad. I'm never going to do this again and I'm spending all my time complaining about it rather than trying to "glow" and enjoy it. I'll work on that too.

Tommy

2005-05-21T12:22:00.000-07:00

Tommy is getting SO big and so fun. He's 13 months now and seems like he's turning into a little man on me already. He's getting a cold so he's a little cranky today, but that' s okay. He's still my angel. I dont' know what I'd do without him. I was meant to be that kids mom....that's one of the only things I know for sure in life.

He's 32 inches long/tall and 26.4 pounds now. He's a healthy boy.

Milestones you ask? Why yes! He's running all over the darn place but it makes games of chasing around the house very run.
He's learned to give us kisses. They are kinda rare, but he does it and it's very special to us when he does.
He's dancing when we have something he wants because he knows it's so damn cute, we'll give in and give it to him.
If he has something we want and he shouldn't have, he walks away from us backwards watching us to see if he can get away with it.

He learns something new every few days...it's just amazing to me. He's just amazing to me :)

It's my birthday

2005-05-21T12:04:00.000-07:00

So, here I am on my birthday. What am I doing? Trying to get the house clean. Why??? Because I have to have dinner with my husbands ex fiance. I usually refer to her as his true love. Yes, I realize I'm messed up in the head and I have SERIOUS issues...but that's how I feel sometimes. Steve and I watched a movie once that had a line it and it really stuck with me. The man and his true love split up and he moved on to find "the woman he'd love next most". I pray I'm not just that person he loves next most. I guess even if that is the case, I got the most wonderful gifts he could have ever given me. My son and the daughter we're expecting in October. No matter what ever happens between Steve and I, I'll always thank god we met.

Anyway, why am I cleaning the house to go OUT to dinner with his ex? For some messed up, female reason...I don't want to leave a dirty house to go have dinner with her. I feel like my house has to be clean, my child has to have perfect behavior, my hair and makeup have to be perfect....blah blah blah. The strange thing is, she's so damn nice, she wouldn't care! At least that's what Steve has tried to tell me for the past 2 years. Doesn't matter...I still feel the same. Plus, this time I plan on bringing a little gift for her 3 year old daughter who is just the cutest little thing ever. I realize it's stupid to want to make myself look good to my husbands ex, but I can't help it.

Animals

2005-05-18T16:36:00.000-07:00

Ok, so my new goal is to learn to "re-accept" our animals. I refer to them as the farm because I really feel like we have far too many...but that's not going to change so I'm trying to deal with it in a different way. Let's see how this works.

Flash~ He's a GREAT dog. If I had to pick one of the animals, he'd EASILY be the choice. All he wants is to be loved. He's getting a bitter cranky in his "old age" but hell, aren't we all. My husband had him before I met him. I remember one night when I first started sleeping over at my husbands house (obviously before we were married) and I woke up with Steve snuggling me from behind and the dog in front of me all snuggled up to me. I felt so "at home" with them. It was strange to feel so comfortable with a man I'd barely met and a dog. I usually don't warm up to dogs like that. Anywho...it was sweet and I started falling in love with both of them!

Homer- Just about the DUMBEST animal you've ever seen in your life. That being said, it seems like all he wants in life is to be loved. He's a very sweet dog and still such a puppy. He's sweet to the point of annoying though. That's the problem I have with him. Wait, this isn't about the problems I have with them...goodlord, that post would go on for DAYS....this is to say what I LIKE about them. I think Homer brings back sad memories for me. I don't have time to post all the story about Jasmine, but Homer is Jasmines son. She was the best thing ever. Granted, the most stubborn BITCH of a dog you'd ever know, but so much like me it wasn't even funny. I think that's one of the reasons I have a hard time with Homer and I can't seem to get over it. I know it sounds stupid but I can't even talk about Jasmine without getting teary eyed. So, I'm a sap...it's quite typical of me.

Ok, now that I'm teary....on to the cats

Bittie was the first cat that was actually MINE. He got me through my emotional split with my ex husband. I moved in to another room from him and Bittie followed me. He slept with me every night. Just like me, he wanted nothing to do with my ex. I had to leave Bittie with the ex when I left him because I was in a place that didn't take animals and I didn't want to split him from the other cat we had. It was so hard for me. Through a nasty little series of events, I got Bittie back and haven't been able to reattach myself to him. Don't get it...don't know.

Jafar is probably my favorite cat. He leaves me the hell alone but he keeps order among the cats. He took the lead cat position from Poomba...and that's probably one of the things I hold against him. Yes, I actually am mentally unstable enough to hold something against an animal. I sound more and more crazy as this post goes on.

Jinx- Can't like her. don't know why. don't like her attitude...don't like that she was a replacement for Mojo. Mojo was too great and I wasn't ready for another so soon after her. My husband got Jinx right after Mojo died and I wasn't done grieving. I know he probably thinks since Mojo was his, it was more his loss...it's bull shit. Mojo and Poomba were the best animals and I don't think there will ever be more like them. Replacements don't do it.

Well, that didn't work like it was supposed to. Now I'm just pissed off. Oops.

paranoid

2005-04-04T13:53:00.000-07:00

I ALWAYS think something is wrong with my husband. If he's not joking or at least talking, I immediatly assume I've done something to irritate him. I don't know why either, but it's really frustrating for him and for me. I get all nervous and then the real schitzo side of me comes out. I start thinking he's being quiet or distant because HE did something wrong and he's either feeling guilty or just doesn't want to say anything to let himself get caught. One of his favorite quotes is from the Simpsons (and I know I'll mess this up but it's close) It's something like, "Ahh, now for the wonderful time between telling the lie and when the lie is found out." Sometimes I think he really feels that way. Like if he doesn't get caught, and he doesn't think it affects me at all, then it wasn't a lie. I feel like hiding something or just conveniently not mentioning it knowing I'd get pissed is lying. I lied to him about paying something once and felt SO awful when he found out, I won't do it again. He knows exactly where our finances stand. Hell, he knows everything. I don't keep anything from him.

The strange thing is, I trust him. I honestly do. If he were actually doing any of the things that cross my mind, I'd be shocked. I'm just fucking insane! I'm so scared I'm going to scare him away with all the craziness! Who knows, maybe it'll get better. Lately, it seems to be getting somewhat better. I actually had a conversation with him about his ex, who I for some reason HATE, and I didn't really feel like rolling my eyes or getting pissed about it. It was strange. Also, I had the epiphany that if he wants to fuck someone else, go for it! As long as he LEAVES me first. I wouldn't stand for being cheated or lied to, but if he just feels he's not in love with me, then he can leave and go be happy. I'd rather it that way. Strange. Very strange. Very unlike me....way too mentally stable.

gotta work...damn it.

Bad Mommy

2005-03-29T05:33:00.000-08:00

It's days like this I can't help but feel like a horrible mother. Tommy woke up at midnight SCREAMING and it continued until 3:20 this morning. He slept from 3:20 to 4:20 and started it all over again. He's in so much pain from the ear infection and there's nothing I can do about it. That's not the reason I'm a bad mom. What am I doing today? Going to work. Yes, my son is hurting and needs comfort and I'm going to work. I can try to be logical and say, well, it's either I go to work so I can pay for him and the doctor and the prescription and the comfort stuff.....or I can stay home with him and just deal with it. The reality is there is NO way for me to be a stay at home mom. I'm trying to balance work with family and I feel like I'm failing miserably. I should stay home today. There shouldn't be any question in my mind....but there is. I'm going to work and there's a 99% chance I'll get a call from the babysitter saying she can't keep him there when he's screaming for hours and has a fever.

Same feelings as before, how the hell am I going to do this with two kids?

sick

2005-03-28T08:04:00.000-08:00

It's a darn good thing I had today off because Tommy woke up with a fever. He had a cough yesterday but I didn't think it was anything serious. He probably has another ear infection, poor thing. I feel so bad for him when he's sick. I can only imagine how it's going to be when the new baby gets here and they both get sick at the same time. Oh boy. He finally went down for a nap about 15 minutes ago. The tylenol must have kicked in....taken away the pain enough for him to zonk out.

I don't feel well today either. I'm counting down the minutes for this morning sickness to go away so I can enjoy the second trimester. I was thinking this morning about this being my last pregnancy and it's kindof sad that I'm not able to just enjoy it. Hopefully as the "big milestones" come, I'll enjoy it more. First kick and so on...

I want to really try to take all 3 months off for maternity leave. I won't ever have the chance again and that would give me the christmas vacation to spend with Steve. Maybe we could even go home to Montana if we can save enough money. Who knows. Saving money never works for us. It's our own fault, of course, but still.

I'm having so many different emotions about this pregnancy. Either way, I feel like we're slighting one of the kids. Tommy will lose time with us. We were so excited with every new thing with Tommy, still are, of course. I'm so afraid I won't get as excited with the new baby. It's already happening with the pregnancy. I look at the growing belly with a frown knowing I'm getting fat again. With Tommy, I couldn't wait to show and get all big. I'm just afraid we'll mess something up. I know Steve and I are both trying to stay smart about things and just keep in mind at all times that we want them to both feel equally special and loved. Hopefully we can make it happen that way.

And it begins...

2005-03-27T05:26:00.000-08:00

I need a place I can ramble on and on as I have a tendancy to do and I'm sure peope are sick of hearing about it. I am a mother to the most amazing 11 month old baby boy. My husband will argue that I have to call him a toddler now that he's walking. I disagree. He is my baby and that's final. He's my joy, my sunshine, my reason for living. I know most parents say that, let me assure you, it's true. His smile is the most amazing sight to me. His laugh can make the worst day just fade away. He's also the reason I think I'll have gray hair at age 27. I'm 13 weeks pregnant, too. Our children will be just 18 months apart and I don't know if I can do it. No, if I'm being honest, I KNOW I can do it, I just know it's going to test my sanity. There are some days now I just want to curl up in a ball in bed and sleep for days. I haven't slept an entire sound night for over a year. With the new one coming, I've given up on the idea of sleep. It's really not that bad, I think I handle it pretty well. With the exception of complaining to one of my coworker/friends every single morning. Friday, for example, my son decided the right time to wake up for the day was at 3:15 am. I don't think that's morning, I think that's the middle of the night still. It's sick, sad and wrong to be awake that early.....but that's motherhood. This morning, it was 4:30 am. That's the time I've gotten used to. I really hope daylight savings time works with me this time. If I could sleep until 5:30 on the weekends, this would be much easier. Cleaning is something I would really like more time for. I honestly think if I could come home to a clean house, my irritation level would go down ten fold. When I'm a little farther along in this pregnancy, I'm rehiring the cleaning people. I'm also looking for a laundry service to send out clothes out for laundering. Lazy? Sure. If it means more time I can have relaxed and happy playing on the floor with my son (and the one on the way) with wooden blocks and dancing to the Wiggles, it's worth it to me. Ok, I've rambled enough to calm me down this morning. Off to devour a toaster streudle.